Ouch! These contractions hurt!

Their? There? They're?

Rock 'n Roll? Fish n' Chips?

It's tone has been unapologetically radical?

Everyone say’s that history repeat’s it’s self?

Stoves & Spa's?

From signs: Republican's, Democrat's, Pagan's, Liar's, Liberal's, Racist's, Wedding's, Birthday's, and on and on and on.

These are just a few examples of how people in America—people who presumably speak English as their native tongue—write these days. It seems as if very few people have any idea what an apostrophe is and how to use it. I never cease to be amazed that even apparently professionals don't seem to have even a modicum of familiarity with the apostrophe.

There are two uses of the apostrophe in English: first, to denote possession, and second, to form a contraction. I'm not going to get into the first usage here, but let me just provide a simple example, just for the record: Becky's car is pink. Not too difficult to understand. I added an apostrophe and an "s" to the subject of the sentence (Becky) to denote that the car belongs to Becky.

Okay. Now let's get into contractions. I'm not going to write a long, drawn out essay on contractions. I love simplicity, and the fact of the matter is that contractions are super simple! Whenever you omit characters, replace whatever you've omitted with an apostrophe! That's it! Several examples should be all that's required to clarify.

• Rock 'n' Roll — I omitted the first "a" in "and" and replaced it with an apostrophe; I omitted the second "a" in "and" and replaced it with an apostrophe.
• Fish 'n' Chips — Same as Rock 'n' Roll.
• They're — I omitted the space and the "a" in "they are" and replaced them with an apostrophe.
• From above, "Its tone...." — This is not a contraction; it's a possessive pronoun; no apostrophe required.
• Republicans, Democrats, Pagans, Liars... — None of these is a contraction (or possessive). They're all simply plurals. Add "s" and that's it.
• Several examples should be all that's required to clarify. — Remove the space and the "i" from "that is" and replace them with an apostrophe.

You'll (you will with the space and the "wi" removed and replaced with an apostrophe) notice that sometimes a space is removed and other times it is left. Although you technically can do either, certain methods have become common over time. Use those.

Does he's mean "he is" or "he has"? Yes! Context will tell you.

He's headed over right now. (He is headed over right now.)

She's done that before. (She has done that before.)

So, it's as simple as that! Of course, the people who slaughter the English language won't (I can't explain that contraction!) be reading this blog, so all my effort may be in vain!

Is food healthy or healthful?

It could be both! Here's the skinny.

If something is healthy, that means it's in good condition. For example, if you eat right and exercise, you're probably healthy.

On the other hand, if food is good for you, it's healthful! This is one that people get wrong all the time. They call food healthy when they actually mean that it's good for you—it's healthful!

There's a subtlety, however, that folks probably don't usually consider. Food can be both healthful and healthy! How's that, you ask? Well, spinach is good for you; it's healthful. However, if the farmer did a good job fertilizing his plants and keeping the bugs away, he probably also grows some fine specimens! His spinach is healthy! So, his spinach is both healthful and healthy!

If only you had went to English class!

While posting the last entry, this popped into my head. I hear this so much, it makes my head spin. I hear supposedly-intelligent people say this all the time! Did you grow up in the sticks? So deep in the sticks that there was no school for you to attend?

• I should have went...
• They could have went...
• We might have went...

Ugh!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Went" is past tense.

• I went to bed at 10 last night.
• We went to the movies last weekend.
• They went to Europe on vacation.

The grammar for which you're groping is perfect tense:

• I should have gone...
• They could have gone...
• We might have gone...

Don't sound like an idiot! Use the correct tense! If you grew up speaking English, there's no excuse for this one!

You should of paid attention in English 101!

Indeed! You should have!

I consider this among the most embarrassing things a native-born English speaker can say. Okay. Every example of bad English I post on this site is embarrassing!

This is simple perfect tense (as opposed to past):

• I should have gone.
• You should have paid me what you owed me.
• We could have met.
• They would have survived if they had been prepared.

It's really pretty basic. Please don't make that mistake again!

A myriad of things make my head feel like exploding...

...and the usage of the word "myriad" in the title of this blog post is one of them. This one is very simple. The word "myriad" is synonymous with "many." You wouldn't say "I have a many of hobbies," would you? No. You wouldn't. You would say "I have many hobbies." Likewise, you would say "There are myriad grammar errors perpetrated on mankind."

Blogs are a strange, but interesting, phenomena.

As much as it pains me to use bad grammar, it helps me to make a point in an entertaining fashion. Well, maybe it's not really all that entertaining. Anyone who finds this grammar blog entertaining has a very sad excuse for a life and is very unattractive to the opposite sex...except maybe to other like-minded bores and nerds. I digress.

A very common problem in the English language is the correct, er, incorrect, usage of a certain class of nouns with respect to number—i.e., what is the singular and how to use it versus the plural and its correct usage.

Here are the words in question: criterion vs. criteria, medium vs. media, phenomenon vs. phenomena, and datum vs. data. I learn best by seeing simple examples, so let me give some examples of correct usage using these words.


Criterion vs. criteria

When I'm looking for a new job, salary is an important criterion.

Critical criteria to consider when buying a car are price and fuel efficiency.


Medium vs. media

The thumb drive is a small, inexpensive, and convenient data storage medium.

The mainstream news media are liberal pinheads. [In this case, I use the plural media because there are several of them—TV, radio, newspaper, etc.]


Phenomenon vs. phenomena

The Aurora Borealis is a beautiful phenomenon.

Tornadoes, earthquakes, and hurricanes are destructive natural phenomena.


Datum vs. data

Age is a datum most women do not like sharing.

The data on the Mig are inaccurate.

One other note on datum and data. The initial a is a long a, as in cake. That's the gospel according to Jay. Webster's allows for a short a, but the problem with Webster's is that they modify their take on things based on the way words are commonly used by the people, and, as we know, people are stupid. When language changes for a good reason, that's one thing, but when it changes because people are morons, that's unacceptable.

One last thing before I close this post. There is another similar class of nouns with which folks may struggle regarding pluralization.

Focus vs. foci

The focus of this meeting is the lack of efficiency in the office.

An ellipse has two foci. (pronounced foh-sigh)


Locus vs. loci

The locus of the samba competition in Rio is the Sambadromo.

Carnaval celebrations take place at many loci around the world. (pronounced loh-sigh)


Radius vs. radii

This circle has a radius of 3 inches.

The front and rear wheels of a car may have varying radii. (pronounced ray-dee-eye)


One last example is obscure but critical. My grammatical soulmate, Bob W., has suggested the possibility of a plural for hocus-pocus. The answer is clear, and I will use it in an example:

If one wishes to see many examples of hoci-poci, one has simply to watch the Harry Potter series of movies.

Irregardless of what you may have been told, this is a very exciting blog.

Let me make this easy for you. There is no such word as irregardless. If you're speaking and are tempted to say irregardless, don't!

Stop and think. In fact, the word you really want is actually easier to pronounce. You shouldn't even need to stop and think. It should just roll right off your tongue—and your very small brain. It's regardless. This is such a no-brainer that I'm having difficulty coming up with more material to make this post interesting.